Count to Five
by Katalius123
Summary: A look into Jack and Kate's relationship between Eggtown and Something Nice Back Home.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: How Jack and Kate first decided to give it a go. Set between Eggtown and Something Nice... One-shot for now, maybe multi-chapter eventually.

* * *

Kate sat at her kitchen counter with Aaron helping him with his dinner. The house she had been able to afford upon returning with the Oceanic Six was spacious and comfortable, but far from the home she was hoping it would be. Still, she was glad to be free of her past crimes and ready to be a mother to Aaron. Right now, the infant was refusing to eat the steamed vegetables she had prepared for him.

"Come on baby, one bite."

He simply pushed the spoon out of his face. Finally she gave in and dropped the utensil onto the plate in defeat. She sighed, but had to laugh a little at the child's stubbornness.

Suddenly the phone rang. Kate stood and crossed the room to the wall phone.

"We're not done young man. You're not leaving that table until at least some of that gets eaten." she said, using her newly developed 'mom' voice.

"Hello?" she said, answering the phone.

"Kate?" came the unexpected voice of Jack on the other end.

"Jack?" she asked, even though she knew it was him. She was surprised to hear from him but didn't know why.

"Can you talk?" he asked. His tone was somewhat serious, so she brought the conversation into the living room.

"Yeah what's up?" she said, sitting down on the couch.

"Uh…Well…I've been thinking a lot about what you said and…I was just wondering…" he was struggling to get it out, unsure how to approach the subject. "I was wondering if I could ask you out for dinner or coffee some time."

Kate sighed, thinking back to their conversation outside the courthouse, the last time they had seen each other.

"Jack I told you…"

"I know but just listen…I think I've changed my mind."

Her breath caught. She knew what that meant.

"So, you…"

"I want to see him Kate. And I want to see you." There was a certainty in his voice that was new to Kate, he was confident and knew what he wanted. Somewhere inside of her she realized she had been waiting and hoping for this phone call since that last conversation.

"So…can I?" he asked after a long period of silence in which Kate attempted to grasp the potential of their reconnection.

"I thought you'd never ask." She could hear him smile on the other line, letting go a sigh of relief.

"Great…that's just great. How's Friday night?" he asked.

She thought for a moment, but knew that if she had any plans, she would simply cancel them.

"Friday sounds great. Why don't you come over here? We can make you dinner."

"That sounds perfect. I'll see you then, Kate."

"All right Jack…see you then." She hung up the phone. There was something exciting about all this. She could hear in the tone of his voice that he had the same hope as her, that maybe now, with the island behind them, they could go forward with their feelings for one another without the need for survival taking precedent. They could simply be.

* * *

Friday came sooner than Kate was expecting, and she was glad for it. She had fixed the meal entirely on her own including a roast, because she recalled that Jack, unlike her, was not a vegetarian. Aaron ambled around the room playing with a pair of fighter plane toys as Kate set the table in the hardly-used dining room of her house. When she had finally placed the last utensil in its position, the doorbell rang.

"Coming!" she called, stepping into the downstairs bathroom to make sure she looked put together. After coiffing her hair a bit, to make the curls particularly thick, she emerged and made for the front door.

Upon opening it, she saw Jack's back to her, but he quickly turned around.

"Hi there!" he said pleasantly, and the two shared a somewhat awkward kiss on the cheek.

"Come on in," she said chuckling. Jack entered and surveyed the surrounding rooms while Kate shut the door behind them.

"Here, I brought us some wine." He said, brandishing a bottle of red from under his arm. Kate took it from him and quickly examined it.

"Thanks, can I take your coat?"

"Oh that's okay, I got it. Where should I put it?" he said, removing his leather jacket. Kate sighed, picking her battles.

"There's a closet over there where you can hang it up." She said, pointing to a door at the edge of the living room. Jack nodded and made for it, but was stopped by Aaron suddenly bursting into the room with his toys.

"Whoa there!" Jack said as he almost collided with the boy.

"Aaron!" Kate called, "Be careful!"

"He's all right." Jack called back.

Kate entered the room and approached Jack, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Aaron this is my friend Jack. Why don't you say hi?"

"Hi" Aaron muttered. Jack laughed.

Jack knelt down to be level with the child. It was the first time he'd seen him since his father's funeral. The baby had become a blonde-haired blue-eyed toddler. Aaron had moved to the corner of the room where a large chest of toys sat. He was going through them to find something more amusing. Jack noticed that many of them were in fact planes of some kind.

"It's nice to meet you, Aaron." Jack said. "Do you like airplanes?"

Aaron simply nodded and did not make eye contact out of shyness. Jack laughed and stood up.

"I'm sorry, he gets shy around new people." Kate apologized.

"It's fine, Kate." Jack said with a smile. He looked back at Aaron, "…he's wonderful."

He turned to Kate with the hint of a tear in his eye. Kate smiled encouragingly, understanding what a big step this was for him.

"What do you think guys? Time for dinner?"

Aaron shouted an affirmative response and bolted for the kitchen. Jack and Kate followed him, laughing.

"Can I help with anything?" Jack asked, seeing the set-up in the dining room and the many dishes of food in the kitchen.

"If you could pour the wine, that'd be great. I just have to get the little man here set up."

She brought a high chair from the kitchen into the dining room, placing him between her and Jack, who sat at opposite ends.

"This is quite a spread Kate. It looks delicious." Jack said, examining the food as she continued to get Aaron situated.

"Don't speak too soon, I didn't get the chance to try anything."

"I'm sure it'll be great."

Kate reentered the kitchen and began carrying out some dishes. Jack followed suit with the wine.

"Go ahead and sit down, I just have to grab the roast out of the oven."

Jack stopped and sighed.

"You didn't."

"What?"

"Kate…please don't tell me you cooked an entire roast just for me."

"Well…I wanted tonight to be…I don't know, special."

They exchanged a look, silently asking the other if they were both taking the word "special" to mean the same thing. But they were too nervous and looked away quickly.

"You know I would have eaten anything you put in front of me." Jack said, "I don't want to be an imposition."

"It's not an imposition Jack. Besides, this one doesn't like the all veggie diet either. I have to learn somehow." She said, gesturing to Aaron as he munched on chicken nuggets. "Just have a seat, I'll be right back."

Jack acquiesced and sat at one end of the table. He watched amusedly as Aaron smeared his food in ketchup. Kate emerged from the kitchen at that moment and placed the roast near Jack.

"I hope I can get a doggy bag for this." Jack said. Kate laughed.

"Nope. I expect you to lick it bone dry." She said, playing along.

"Well it looks delicious, I'm sure I'll want to."

Kate sighed with embarrassed flattery and took her place at the other end of the table.

"You know, Aaron, I remember when you were born. Your mom was so..." Jack caught himself just in time. Kate looked up at him immediately, reminding him that to Aaron, Claire did not exist. Kate was his mother.

"I'm sorry," he said to Kate, mortified, "God…how stupid can I be?" he scolded himself.

"Jack it's fine, really." She reassured. He took a bite of the roast.

"Well?" she asked. Jack chewed and chewed.

"It's wonderful, Kate, really." he said, attempting to mask a grimace. It didn't help that he immediately reached for his wine.

"Is it really that bad?"

"No! Really! I probably will finish the whole thing!"

"Jack come on. You don't have to be polite."

"I'm not, honestly. It's really good."

Kate knew he would keep insisting, and even though it annoyed her somewhat, she couldn't help but smile to herself at how adamant Jack was at trying to make her feel better about herself. She missed this - she missed him.

"Mommy I'm finished!" Aaron said loudly.

"Okay baby, one second." She stood and took his plate, bringing it into the kitchen. In moments she returned with a red popsicle. Aaron's face lit up at the sight of it.

"Gimme gimme!" he exclaimed. Kate held it back.

"Ah ah – what do you say?"

"Thanks mommy." Aaron replied obediently.

"You're welcome." Kate handed him the popsicle and ruffled his hair. Jack looked on in complete awe of her. When she sat down, Kate noticed.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing, just…You're a real family, aren't you?" his voice was low and reverent. Seeing them together, it was all he'd ever wanted. Kate looked at him sympathetically; she knew in his mind he was thinking of how much time he had wasted by not coming to see them sooner. He could have had all this from the beginning.

They were all but silent for the remainder of the dinner. Afterward, Kate took Aaron to bed and joined Jack in the living room for some more wine. The mood was subdued. There were candles lit about the house, low lighting. Jack sat reclined on the couch with Kate in a nearby armchair.

"He's amazing, Kate." Jack said soon after she returned from Aaron's room.

"He looks like Claire." she replied, enjoying the fact that with Jack she didn't have to lie about who she was.

"Yeah…but you really did it, Kate. You're more of a mother to that boy than most mothers I've seen."

She smiled. The two remained silent for several minutes. Kate was the first to speak again.

"So…are you glad you came by?"

Jack felt a swell of emotion inside him. He wanted to tell her that he never wanted to leave, that he wanted to sit on this couch and replay this night over and over for the rest of his life. But he simply nodded.

"Why did you wait so long?"

He gathered his thoughts for a long moment, preparing himself for vulnerability.

"I was afraid I'd ruin it."

"What?"

"Did you know I was married once?"

"Jack, I don't…" Kate was confused.

"Her name was Sarah. She was a patient of mine. I thought she'd never walk again, but…I fixed her. Or at least she got fixed. But it didn't work out."

"What happened?"

"What I knew would happen. No matter how hard I tried, I could never put her first. It was always my patients, always the people who needed my help. I guess I forgot that she needed me too…she ended up leaving me for someone else."

Jack swigged down the rest of his wine. Kate stared at him like one would a wounded animal, helpless and heartbroken.

"But that was before the Island…and honestly everything from back then just feels like a dream now. Almost like it wasn't real." he said.

Kate came and sat beside him on the couch. Jack adjusted himself so he was sitting up straight, looking deep into her eyes. She took his hand in hers, on the verge of tears.

"This is real, Jack. Everything here is real. Believe me, I'm scared too. The people in my life, the people I've cared about…terrible things have happened to them and mostly because of me. But if we let that fear take over we'll never be happy. We'll never even have a chance," she paused, letting out a breath of a laugh to herself at a sudden memory, "Maybe we should count to five."

Jack shook his head.

"It's not that simple, Kate."

"It is that simple, you're the one who told me it was."

"Well that was different." Jack stood, anxious and distressed. "I don't want to hurt you."

She stood and moved slowly toward him, bringing her hands to his face.

"Don't you think we owe it to ourselves to at least try?" she pleaded.

He saw the hope in her eyes and so desperately wanted to feel it in his own, but he was crippled by his fear of failure. He knew that if he couldn't get it right with her this time, he would never have another chance.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I don't know if I'm ready yet."

Kate removed her hands from his face and stood bereft before him, frustrated and exhausted.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have come."

It broke Jack's heart to hear her voice so bitter and angry, but he knew it was for the best. His only regret was leading her to believe he was a new man. Despite his best efforts, there were demons inside him that were simply too powerful for her to help, he was better off alone.

Jack nodded and followed Kate to the door. She didn't say another word to him and stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry." He said, but she slammed the door in his face before he could finish. Standing on the stoop, he could feel his eyes swell with tears. What had he just done? It was if merely stepping out of the house forced him to realize he had probably just walked out on the best thing he'd ever had.

Suddenly, he saw a light turn on in an upstairs bedroom, and watched as Kate soothed Aaron from a nightmare. She lifted him out of his bed and paced the room, gently rocking him and quieting his frightened tears. After a few minutes, she put him back to bed and turned the light off.

Seeing them was the final wake up call. This was it. This was the only chance he had left to prove himself as a provider and compassionate and loving man. Kate saw the potential in him, she had always seen it, and if anyone was going to help him live up to himself, it was her. If he turned his back on it now, he would never forgive himself. He only hoped it wasn't already too late as he approached the doorbell once again.

Moments later, Kate yanked the door open, knowing it was him and frustrated by that fact.

"What is it Jack?"

Without a word, he took a brave step forward and kissed her. At first she protested, but quickly gave in, stepping back into the house and taking him with her.

"One," he said as they parted briefly, "…Two," Kate smiled against his lips, "…Three…Four…Five," he continued, placing kisses between each number.

She rested her forehead against his, grinning and crying with happiness.

"See? I told you it would work." She said. Jack laughed and kissed her again. Within seconds, she deepened the kiss and began moving toward the bedroom, removing items of Jack's clothing as they went.

* * *

Later, as the pair lay spent together in bed, Jack thought back to earlier in the evening. How could he have considered letting this pass him by? He lay on his back with his arm around Kate who rested her head against his chest. She traced lines across his abdomen and examined his tattoos with her fingertips absentmindedly.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothing really just…I don't think I've ever let myself be this happy before."

She looked up at him and put her hand to his face, reassuring him that she was real, that all this was really happening, and that she too had never been this happy. They kissed once more, sweet and sincere, and slowly drifted off to sleep in one another's arms, eager to begin a new life in the morning.

* * *

A/N: I'm thinking of turning this into a multi-chapter and taking it to the end of season 4 and then maybe a few later chapters about her life off the island after Jack has died. So...stay tuned for that! Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Kate struggles to face her true feelings for Jack as their relationship grows more serious.

* * *

Weeks passed. It surprised them how quickly they were able to settle into the routine of a normal life. As if they had been at this for years. Jack was spending most of his nights at Kate's, but they were taking it as slow as they could despite how eager they were to make up for lost time.

During the week, Jack would go to work and Kate would stay with Aaron. They had a nanny given the volatility of Jack's hours and the many meetings Kate had to attend in order to fully tie up the loose ends of her life before the island, a life now long behind them.

And then there was her task from Sawyer. She had no idea how to explain her friendship with Cassidy to Jack, or if she should. Whenever she allowed herself to feel at ease with her new life, Sawyer's final whispering request would seep into her consciousness, looming over her like a distant storm cloud, even though she had already completed her duty. She didn't know how to reconcile her desire to help the man she left behind with her desire to help the man who stayed by her side. She owed them both so much.

But for now, she was enjoying life with Jack. She was enjoying the idea that she finally had built herself a place to call home. There was nothing left to run from. It amazed her to know that all she truly needed was the love from Jack and Aaron to feel fulfilled. It was such a simple solution to something she had so endlessly searched for.

Jack struggled only slightly with adopting the role of father figure to Aaron and companion to Kate. It was still very soon, and he was still unsure of his ability to be responsible for the happiness, not just the safety, of others. But now he knew that Kate was there to pull him through, even if it was kicking and screaming at first.

* * *

"You know I did surgery on a kid today." Jack said one night as he and Kate washed dishes after putting Aaron to bed. The way he said it made it clear it had been on his mind all evening.

"Oh?" she replied.

"Yeah. He must have only been a little older than Aaron. Three, maybe four years old."

"What happened to him?"

"He got hit by a car. Wandered out into the street while his babysitter wasn't watching."

"My God. Is he okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, he'll be fine, it's just-" Jack said, but he cut himself short.

"What is it?" Kate said, nudging him on.

"I get worried when he's home without us, Kate."

"But the nanny is here whenever that happens."

"I know but how do we know what she does with him? For all we know she could just sit in the living room watching TV all day while he runs around, ready to break a limb. Or worse."

Jack looked to Kate with deep, sincere concern in his eyes. Kate understood his fear, but couldn't help a sudden bubble of laughter from escaping her. Jack looked confused and slightly put off.

"What's funny about that?"

"Nothing, there's nothing funny it's just…" she collected herself and stared at him lovingly.

"Just what?" he returned her adoring smile with a quizzical frown.

"You sound like a dad, that's all."

"Well I think it's a perfectly legitimate…."

"Jack," Kate said, placing a hand on his shoulder in reassurance, "I promise you, nothing happens to Aaron while we're not here. Trust me. But for the record, hearing you get all worked up about this is just about the sweetest thing I've ever seen."

Jack, not one to usually enjoy teasing, laughed and shrugged.

"I just worry, that's all. I'm afraid…I'm afraid someone's going to try and take him away."

Kate grew serious. He had voiced her greatest fear. He could see this in her eyes and knew it was now his turn to be the support. Jack stepped forward and put his arms around Kate. She looked up at him, a hint of a tear in her eye.

"But then I remember that he's got you as a mom. And anyone would have to be crazy to think any different. And I know that as long as you're in his life, nothing bad can ever happen to him."

Without any answer, Kate leaned up and gave him a lingering kiss. It was all the affirmation he needed that his words had worked. When they parted, Jack gave her a sly smile.

"So you think I'm sweet, huh?"

She laughed, playing along. "Maybe just a little."

"Only a little?" he feigned disappointment. "Well what can I do to prove myself?"

Without unlocking arms, the pair slowly began to back out of the kitchen.

"Oh I can think of a few ways." Kate said. With that, Jack scooped her up in his arms and made for the stairs, the both of them giggling like giddy teenagers.

* * *

Neither of them could fall asleep. Jack held Kate to him, her back to his chest. He gently kissed the back of her head, loving the texture of her thick curls against his face. There was something safe about it, almost reassuring. He sighed into her hair and she shivered at the feeling. Jack held her tighter and she squeezed his hand that rested on her waist.

Lying there with her, Jack did his best to convince himself they were different people now. But he knew they would never really leave the island behind, not completely. It was a thought that plagued him especially in moments like this, when he felt most connected to Kate, because what she had left behind had the potential to directly affect their future.

"Do you miss him?" he asked. It was the first time he had ever brought up the subject, but it had always been at the back of their minds. Kate didn't answer right away, she was taken aback that he would think to bring this up at this of all moments. She couldn't understand what had prompted him.

Kate rolled over to face Jack.

"What?"

"And please tell me the truth."

Kate searched Jack's eyes for an indication of whether or not she really should say the truth, or simply what would make Jack feel better. But she knew that lying was pointless now and would only come back to hurt them.

"Yes. I miss him."

Jack felt as if he had had the wind knocked out of him. He looked away from her, a rush of confusion and betrayal surging through him. He turned onto his back, ridding himself of her touch.

"Hey, look at me," she said, propping herself up and placing a hand on his chest, determined to make him face her and the truth. "I miss him, yes. Just like I miss everyone we left behind."

Jack didn't say anything and continued to avoid her eyes. She placed a hand to his cheek and guided his face in her direction. Kate opened her mouth to speak, but instead she kissed him. She motioned to pull back but he held her lips to his for one more moment. When they parted, she looked deep into his eyes.

"This is exactly where I want to be. With you – you, Jack, no one else. But you can't ask me to forget about him. It's not fair."

Jack could see that she was telling the truth. That he really was the one she wanted to be with. She wasn't choosing him over anyone, or by default, it simply was. And he knew that the least she deserved was for him to not ask of her anything she would never ask of him.

"I'm sorry. You're right." he said, looking to her with something akin to expectation.

Kate knew what he wanted to hear from her. Those three words that paralyzed her with fear every time she thought about them, especially when it came to Jack. She had always been afraid of her feelings for him, they were stronger than she could control, and it frightened her to know that such a thing was possible. All her life she had trained herself to never get too attached, to never try and save anyone but herself. But with Jack, all she wanted to do was fix him, just as he wanted to fix her and everyone else. She wanted to be not only his protector, but the one to turn him into the man she knew he was meant to become. But the prospect of admitting this, this feeling that directly went against everything she knew about herself, terrified her.

And so as Jack looked to her for some sign of connection, she gave him the best she could offer for the time being.

"I meant what I said, Jack. I have always been with you."

He took this for what it was, not exactly a confession of love but a step in the right direction.

Kate rolled over so they were in the same spooning position they had been in at first. Jack nestled his face in the crook where her neck met her shoulder. She felt his steady breath calm her into a half-sleep. Maybe an hour passed. Kate dozed in and out, but Jack lay resting peacefully awake.

"I love you," he whispered, believing her to be fast asleep. Kate's eyes fell open, but as her back was to him he couldn't see. She said nothing in response, allowing him to continue believing she was dead to the world. She didn't know why, but she felt a few tears move down her face. She smiled to herself and pulled Jack's arm tight around her absent-mindedly, as if she was in fact asleep. But she knew there was no hope for sleep anymore, as her mind began racing with those words repeating over and over, relishing in the safety they promised.

* * *

AN: Thanks for the encouraging reviews! I think I'll keep this up for a few chapters. I doubt I'll be offering any unique plot developments, but I just felt like filling in some gaps and fleshing out this period that was only alluded to on the show. Keep the reviews coming!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: As Jack and Kate find themselves reaching milestones in their relationship, they are forced to face, individually and together, their hopes and fears for the future.

* * *

A week later, while Jack was at work, Kate puttered around the house as Aaron napped upstairs. Bored and in need of conversation, she dialed the phone and waited as it rang on the other end.

"Hello?" came the voice of Cassidy.

"Hey there," Kate said pleasantly.

"Well hey yourself," Cassidy answered, recognizing Kate's voice, "How's life?"

"Life is pretty great, actually."

"My God. I think that's the first time you've ever answered that question without hesitation. Are you sure this is Kate Austen I'm talking to?"

Kate laughed. "I know, I know. But I mean it. I'm happy. How are you?"

"Oh can't complain. Day to day, you know how it is. The life of a single mother."

Kate hesitated. "Actually, Cass…that's what I'm sort of calling to tell you about. I'm not so single anymore."

"Oh?" Kate could hear the sly grin through the phone, "And who's the lucky guy?"

"Jack Shephard as a matter of fact." An unexpected sense of pride swelled up in Kate as she said it aloud.

"So he came around, did he?"

"What?" Kate was slightly confused, she rarely talked about Jack with Cassidy, mainly out of guilt.

"Kate you realize you were a bit of a celebrity for a while there. Everyone in California heard about him at the trial. Christ, I can't imagine. I mean the guy looked you right in the eye, swore in a court of law no less, and said he didn't love you. But I guess he came around."

Kate smiled, deciding to keep Jack's retraction of his courtroom statements to herself. "Yeah I guess he did. We've been together over a month now and it's going great. It's everything I hoped being with him would be."

"So on the island you two never…"

"Not really, no. I mean it was always there, but we just kept finding excuses not to go for it."

Cassidy was quiet for a long moment, trying to formulate things in her own head.

"Does he know about me and Clem?"

Kate sighed. "No. I just can't figure out how to tell him. Besides, I don't think it would make a lot of difference now."

"I guess, just…be careful, Kate. When you start keeping secrets from the person you love sooner or later everyone gets hurt. Trust me, I know."

Cassidy's words registered deep within Kate.

"Thanks, Cass."

At that moment, Jack walked in the door.

"Look I've gotta go, but I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Okay, Kate. Just remember what I said."

"I know. Goodbye."

Kate hung up the phone. Jack entered the kitchen looking tired but content as he loosened his tie.

"Who was that?" He asked just to make conversation.

"No one. Telemarketer." Kate replied succinctly. Her mind was racing with Cassidy's warning. Was this secret too big to reveal or too big to keep? She wasn't ready to make that decision just yet. Jack did not press further, but gave her a skeptical look. He decided it best to just change the subject.

"Hey what are we doing on Saturday afternoon?"

Kate thought for a moment. "Nothing, I don't think. Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere. There's someone really special I want you to meet."

Kate furrowed her brow, curious. "Is it a surprise?"

Jack thought for a moment, smiled, and shrugged. They exchanged a playful look, but she decided not to ask any further questions. Suddenly, Jack let out an exclamation.

"Damnit. I forgot my reading glasses at the apartment."

Kate looked surprised. "Since when do you wear reading glasses?"

He smirked. "Well, you know. I like to retain some air of mystery."

They laughed. "All right I'll be back in a little while." Jack said. He walked over to Kate and gave her a light kiss on the lips before heading back out the door.

As she watched him leave as quickly as he had entered, Kate was faced with a realization. Why hadn't she asked Jack to live with her yet? She was sure he wanted to but was too polite to instigate a conversation about it. He practically lived there already except for maybe a few nights a week, and that was only because he felt obligated to put the apartment to some kind of use considering he was hardly ever there.

But asking him to move in was a big step for Kate. It meant commitment. It had nothing to do with any doubts of her feelings, there were none, but she was keenly aware of her and Jack's opposite attitudes about committing to relationships. If anything, Jack was almost too dedicated to the people he cared about. Kate had never been that way. She attached and detached with hardly any second thoughts.

She wasn't proud of it, it was simply par for the course in the life of a fugitive. But she wasn't a fugitive anymore. The time for running and fleeing was behind her. Now more than ever she had the opportunity to plant her roots and have a family of her own, people to depend on and who could depend on her. But it was scary, as scary as the ever-present evasion of telling Jack she loved him. It was as if saying those words and inviting him into her home was like signing a binding contract.

* * *

Saturday afternoon arrived. They had spent the morning at the park with Aaron before dropping him off with the nanny while they went to Jack's mystery location. Kate had taken a photograph of him and Aaron by the swings, smiling and laughing. She promised Jack she would get it framed for them.

Kate had still not asked him where they were going, she figured there wasn't much of a point. But as he made a turn into the parking lot of a retirement home, she grew increasingly curious. She gave him a skeptical look and he just smiled knowingly as they pulled into a parking space.

"Jack what are we doing here?" she asked as they stepped out of the car.

"I told you. There's someone I want you to meet. Trust me, you're gonna love him." Jack walked over to Kate and took her hand, guiding her to the door.

Upon entering, they were immersed in what appeared to be some sort of geriatric Utopian village. Nurses led wheel-chaired men and women to and from the Bingo room, toward the shuffleboard courts and pool area. Kate was overwhelmed but slightly amused. Meanwhile, Jack approached the front desk.

"Hi Doreen," he said to the woman opposite him.

"He's been asking for you all day, Dr. Shephard. Call it a hunch but I think he's looking forward to seeing you." She smiled. Jack chuckled.

"Any recent escape attempts?"

"Once or twice in the last 6 months, but all in all he's been a good boy. Shall I take you to him? He's in the sun room."

"That's okay, Doreen, I'm sure I'll be able to find him. Just follow the loud complaints right?"

She laughed. "Hey, your words not mine."

Jack stepped toward Kate and put his hand to her back, leading her to their destination. They soon entered the sun room where sat three or four men and women lounging and reading. Kate noticed one white-haired man sitting in the corner having what appeared to be a heated debate with one of the orderlies. The man was trying to hand him back a small cup of pills and some water, refusing them, as the orderly somewhat pathetically tried to persuade him to consume them. Jack grinned and made his way toward the man. Kate's eyes grew wide, realizing this was who they were here to see.

"I'll take it from here. I'm a doctor." Jack said to the orderly, taking the pills and water. The young man looked to Jack with utter gratitude and quickly walked over to another patient.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" said the old man. Kate stood to the side, unsure of how this introduction would go, or who she was being introduced to at all.

"I know, I know. It's just been a little hectic these last few months." Jack explained to him.

"Excuses, excuses. Just because you're on TV doesn't mean you can ignore me."

"Well I'm here now."

The man scoffed in acceptance. It was then that he turned and saw Kate standing awkwardly by.

"Please tell me you're my new nurse." He joked. Jack and Kate laughed.

"Sorry. Kate this is Ray Shephard. My grandfather." Kate sighed, finally understanding. She reached over and shook his hand politely.

"Nice to meet you." she said.

"Granddad, this is Kate Austen. She's um…" suddenly Jack was faced with a difficult situation. What exactly where they? 'Girlfriend' seemed far too inadequate a word. "Well I guess she's my…um…"

"She's your 'um.' I get it, Jack." Ray said with a sly smile. "Why don't you kids have a seat."

Jack and Kate pulled up chairs and sat beside Ray. Kate waited patiently for an interrogation.

"So Kate, how do you know my grandson?"

She looked to Jack, unsure if there was yet another fabricated story she was meant to insert here. He simply nodded to her to go on.

"He and I were in the plane crash together."

"Oh that's right. I remember hearing about you in the news, your trial."

Kate grew uncomfortable. Jack noticed this and interjected.

"That's all over with granddad. She's innocent."

"Hey I'm not one to cast stones, you know me." He retorted defensively. Kate looked to him gratefully.

"So why wait all this time? You've been back over a year now."

Jack took the lead here.

"Well it was complicated. Getting the timing right, you know how it can be."

"Psh. Let me tell you kids a truth, here. Love is not something you can wait around for. Once you find it, you gotta snatch it up as fast as you can cause it can be gone just as quickly. Trust me, I'm old. I know about these things."

They laughed but heard the validity of what he was saying. Jack and Kate exchanged a meaningful look. Kate felt like saying to him, 'I know. Just be patient with me, please,' but instead turned back to Ray. They talked for another half hour or so. He told stories of Jack as a little boy, causing the easily embarrassed doctor to blush and Kate to giggle. Finally it was time to go.

"So soon? We just got started!" Ray protested.

"Sorry, granddad. We'll back soon though, I promise."

"It was great to meet you, Ray. I feel like I know Jack better than I ever needed to." Jack chuckled, going red once again.

"Hey what are grandparents for?" they shook hands once more.

"I'll meet you out by the car okay?" Jack said as Kate looked to him to follow her out. She nodded and exited the room.

"So what did you think?" Jack asked.

"Of what?"

"What do you mean 'of what?' Of Kate."

"Does it matter? You love her and she loves you, it's obvious enough. What have I got to do with it?"

"I just wanted to know." Jack was crestfallen.

"Jack, I'm not your father. You don't need my approval. But if you want to know, I say she's a keeper through and through. Do whatever you have to do, Jack. Don't let something like that pass you by."

Jack felt himself on the verge of tears. "Thanks, Ray." He leaned over and embraced his grandfather. "And don't forget to take those pills."

"Eh what are you, my doctor?"

"I'm saying that as a surgeon and as your grandson."

"Fine fine fine. Whatever."

"I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye, Jack."

And with that, Jack exited the sun room and made his way back to the parking lot where Kate was leaning against the passenger door.

"Finished talking about me behind my back?" she joked.

"You bet. Let's go home." Jack unlocked the car and they both got it. The whole way back to Kate's house, she kept thinking of what Jack had just said: 'home.' It was their home. She thought about what had just happened and didn't know how to express to Jack that him introducing her to Ray meant more to her than it probably ever could to him. The idea that he wanted her to meet someone so close to him, family, overwhelmed her. Perhaps it was because of how ashamed she was of her own family, or how private a man she knew Jack to be, but it truly moved her that he felt they were at a point in their relationship where he was willing to share that part of himself. She realized then that it was time to prove they were in the same place.

In moments he was pulling up the driveway. When he parked, he motioned to get out, but Kate held him back.

"Hey Jack. What if it actually was 'home'?"

"What?"

"My house. What if it really was, you know, 'home'? For both of us, I mean."

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but paused, taking one more second to put her words together in his head.

"Kate, are you asking me to move in with you?"

She sighed, bracing herself. "Yeah, I guess I am."

Jack swelled with happiness. "Are you sure about this?"

After a beat, Kate leaned over and kissed Jack tenderly. She pulled away, but only slightly. "I want to wake up next to you every morning." Jack went in for another kiss, this one even more emotional.

"Well then. Shall we?" Jack said, opening his door. They got out of the car and walked hand in hand toward the front door. At the threshold, Jack suddenly scooped Kate up and carried her in like a bride.

"Home sweet home." Jack said and kissed her sweetly. She continued giggling, full of more happiness than she knew what to do with. All of a sudden, Aaron came bounding toward them excitedly.

"Mommy! Uncle Jack!" he called, clearly happy to see them. Uncle Jack was a name he and Kate had decided on since neither felt comfortable having Aaron refer to him as Daddy, although Jack was, for all intents and purpose, a true father. Jack put Kate down so he could kneel and be at Aaron's height.

"I got some good news, buddy!" Jack said.

"Uncle Jack is coming to live with us for good!" Kate said, unable to keep from bursting. Aaron's face lit up with joy. He threw his arms around Jack who lifted him straight off the ground and spun him in the air. Kate looked on, ready to cry, hoping her mental snapshot of this moment would never fade. She knew that this was as close to perfect as she would ever find.

* * *

Later, around midnight, both Jack and Kate pretended to be asleep but were each caught up in their own little worlds, Kate replaying Cassidy's words, Jack replaying Ray's. Everything was moving in the right direction now. They were getting closer by the day, but they feared this sense of 'too good to be true' would somehow catch up with them, that they would sabotage themselves as they had so many times on the island.

Though he tried not to let it bother him, Jack was becoming more and more aware of Kate's deliberate avoidance of saying she loved him. Every time he told her, she would either smile at him almost gratefully or simply kiss him. These gestures were well and good, but did not mean the same thing, no matter what they told themselves. Ray had told him today that it was obvious she loved him, and it frustrated Jack that it was so clear to a man who had only just met her, when to him, who had spent more time with Kate than anyone, still wasn't sure.

"Kate. Are you awake?" he asked the darkness. They were not curled up together. He was on his back, she was on her side wrapped up into herself. It took her a moment to respond, she wasn't sure if she should pretend to be asleep or face his questions of why she was awake. She couldn't tell him about Sawyer and Clementine. Not just yet.

"Yeah." She replied quietly. It felt to Kate as if almost 10 minutes passed before he spoke, when in reality it was only a few seconds. When he did speak, it was barely above a whisper.

"Do you love me?"

Kate turned over and they faced each other. She looked thoughtfully into his eyes.

"I don't want to answer that, Jack."

He felt his heart begin to pump faster and faster.

"Why not?"

"Because answering it as a question isn't the same as saying it."

"Then why don't you say it?"

"Jack. You know you don't want this to happen this way. Just let it go." She put her hand to his face. "And trust me, it's not because I don't. Okay? I feel everything for you that you feel for me. I promise."

Jack wanted to continue, but he knew she was right. The last thing he wanted was to bully her into saying it. She would resent him forever if he did that. Instead he nodded, accepting if not understanding. They rolled back into their former positions, but neither fell asleep. Jack mulled over Kate's words for hours before finally forcing himself to admit what he knew was the truth. What she had just said, what she had just promised him, while it wasn't what he was really looking for, he knew deep down that it was the best he was ever going to get.

In the hours of dark silence Kate, too, afforded herself a realization. She finally understood why she couldn't bring herself to say those words to Jack. It was because somewhere so deep inside of her she could barely muster the strength to find it, she knew that one day this would be gone. That he would be gone. That she would lose him for good. And if she told him she loved him, if she sealed the bond those words would create, it would make that inevitable day more unbearable than she could take. She knew that every moment she went without saying it hurt him more and more, little by little, but it was the price she paid for knowing that when he finally abandoned her forever, it would be the end of her life as she knew it. And it was that thought that kept her awake most nights, it was that thought that made her cherish the incredible moments she had with him now, because she understood in her heart of hearts that they were numbered.

As she contemplated this thought, she began weeping. It started as only a few tears but soon enough her whole body was shaking. Jack noticed this and slowly, without words or questions, pulled her to him in a tight embrace. She clung to him as if he would disappear at that very moment. He held her this way until she finally quieted down and the pair steadily drifted off to sleep, not once moving.

* * *

A/N: Thanks SO much to my readers and reviewers! I'm so pleased people are enjoying this. Just to give you a game plan, there will probably be 3 more chapters, but I'm not sure yet if that number includes the epilogue (which I've already written) or not. I will also try to keep the updates a bit more regular. Keep reading and reviewing!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The night of the proposal, Jack reminisces on the night he decided she was the one. But despite their happiness, Jack cannot get Hurley's words out of his head, and trust issues begin to emerge, leading to the beginning of his battle with paranoia.

* * *

"Come on, there's someplace I want to show you." Jack said, reaching across the restaurant table for Kate's hand. It was their first official date and they had just finished dinner. Kate was curious, but wanted it to be a surprise. He led her outside and they got into his beat up truck.

"Jack, why do you insist on driving this heap?"

He shrugged. "I guess it keeps me sane."

She smiled to herself. That was one thing she loved most about Jack, everything he did made sense to him, even if it didn't to everyone else. She had experienced both the good and bad effects of that trait many times over the course of their stay on the island. But the good far outweighed.

They drove almost a half hour into the night until Kate realized where they were going. The biggest hint was the airplane suddenly flying overhead that she thought was going to graze the top of their car. Jack pulled up into an abandoned parking lot at the end of a runway.

"Here we are." he said. Kate was intrigued. She stepped out of the car and looked down the seemingly endless stretch of narrow pavement in front of her. A plane was preparing for takeoff.

"Why did you bring me here, Jack?"

"I wanted you to see this place. This is where I come to think, clear my head. I don't know, there's something calming about it." She looked at him skeptically, "I know, it's kind of warped, but really, it helps me sleep."

She didn't respond, only smiled quietly to herself. Every day Jack was beginning to open up more and more to her, show her news sides of himself that only made her fall deeper in love with him.

Jack hoisted himself on to the hood of his truck. Kate soon followed. He held his hand out to help her, but she laughingly refused.

"I think I can handle myself, Jack."

He took this in stride, knowing it was just Kate's stubborn nature and not any uncommon prickliness. He never took help he didn't absolutely need either. It was one of the things that bonded them.

"Just trying to be a gentleman."

Kate stopped at this.

"You are." she said, more meaningfully than either expected. He turned to her. "Even with everything we've been through, you have always been a gentleman."

"Really? That's a new one. Let's see…I've gotten failure, liar, hero complex, unwilling to let go…never thought I'd see gentleman added to that list."

He looked at Kate and smiled at his own deprecation. She did not smile back. Instead she leaned over and kissed him sweetly on the lips. When she pulled back, she stared intently into his eyes.

"You are a good man, Jack. You are."

He felt tears swell up in his eyes. It was then that he realized just how much getting this right meant to him. No matter his feelings about destiny, fate, anything like that, he knew more than anything that he and Kate were meant to be together. It was what was supposed to happen.

* * *

But here he lay, jarring out of this pleasant memory with the blaring reality that according to Hurley and whatever fates he spoke for, he was in fact not meant to be with Kate. But he had refused to let his faith be rattled so quickly and had, about a half hour before this moment, proposed to Kate, to which she gave him a resounding and tearful yes.

He thought back to that night, their first time visiting that place together. That was a turning point for Jack, it was the only time he could remember where he had willingly decided to be vulnerable in front of someone. He had never felt he had a choice before, but Kate was different. She was patient with him, and understood him in a way no one else could. If that wasn't love, he had thought, what was?

"Kate, you still awake?"

She turned over and looked at him, still wide awake. She smiled excitedly.

"I'll be lucky if I can sleep for another week." They kissed sweetly.

"You remember that first time I took you to the hangar?"

She put her hand to his face, the unexpected memories coming back to her fondly. "Of course."

"Well uh…I have a confession to make." Kate looked at him expectantly, "I bought that ring the next day."

"You what?"

"It was because of what you said. Remember? You told me I was a good man. And I realized you saw something in me that I couldn't. And you actually made me want to believe it. So I went out the next day and I bought that ring…because I knew the minute you said that, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life making sure you always saw yourself the way I see you."

Kate leaned over and kissed him tenderly. "Where did you come from?" she purred. He laughed and wrapped her up in an embrace. They sat up in bed, her leaning against his chest, him with his arms cradled around her waist. He kissed the top of her head, taking in the sweet smell of her shampoo. Hurley's words continued to try and infiltrate the moment, but Jack was determined to shut them out and so far he was succeeding. Kate held her left hand up and they silently regarded the ring, admiring what they had accomplished this night.

* * *

Yet he soon discovered that bliss was only temporary. He had made it through the first night without obsessing over Hurley's warning, but he couldn't help but now think a second thought every time he heard Kate talking on the phone or going out for long stretches of time, sometimes well into the evenings. Was there someone else? They didn't have many friends, so if it was a neighborhood person it would have to be someone only she knew, and that seemed unlikely.

After a few days of paranoid speculation, a rogue idea came to him, and though he initially dismissed it, it soon began to consume him. What if it was him? The man she had left behind. The man whose name it frightened Jack to even think about. For all he knew, they could be in regular contact with one another somehow. He knew there were secrets of that island even he didn't know about, so he couldn't rule out the possibility.

He tried to make it seem like nothing was wrong. Kate seemed so happy. This only seemed to make him angry, though, as he was now convincing himself of the worst and that Kate's current contentedness was a front, and secretly she was waiting for the moment to finally leave him for another, just like Sarah had. But he couldn't figure it out. It had been different this time, he gave Kate as much of himself as he possibly could, how could that have not been enough? What more did she want? Jack's fear now was that he was beginning to resent Kate. So finally, one day, after she had come home after three hours of errands, he decided to ask and test the waters.

"Where were you?"

"Grocery store. The lines were insane. And then I forgot a bag there so I had to go back. Ugh, it was a mess. Could you give me a hand?"

He nodded, accepting this, and followed her out to the car. What she wasn't telling him was that after she had gone to the grocery store, at which there were hardly any lines, in fact it was abnormally quiet if anything, she had gone over to the bank. A check had finally come through that she had meant to send Clementine several months prior, but the circumstances of the trial had complicated the transaction into seeming termination. But she had been clear for quite some time, and could finally send the final installment of her contribution to Sawyer's wish. However, she had to go through other paperwork with the bank and was unable to finalize the transfer of money. She would have to take care of that in the coming weeks. And all needed to be done without Jack's knowledge.

* * *

Later that night, they were closing up the kitchen as they prepared to head up to bed. Aaron had been fast asleep for an hour already. Jack was still mulling over every possible scenario in his head. He couldn't let it go. Kate noticed.

"Are you okay, Jack? You've seemed a little…I don't know, absent, lately."

"I'm fine, really." He glanced over at her. "I just have a lot of surgeries lined up in the next few weeks."

Kate knew he was lying. He had done his trademark move, one that she had called him out on: looking at people when he lied.

"Come on, Jack. What's really bothering you?"

She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, barring him from escape.

"It's just…Lately I've been thinking about the island. And us."

She looked at him, confused but wanting him to go on.

"I know we've buried all of this, but I can't help but wonder…if it had been me who had jumped out of that plane, would he be where I'm standing right now? I guess what I'm asking is…are you with me because it's me, or because I'm here?"

Kate pulled away, obviously upset.

"How dare you ask me that." she said, low but livid.

Jack shrugged, waiting for an answer.

"Jack, why do you think I'm agreeing to marry you? As a consolation prize? Do you really think that's all this relationship means to me?" Her voice was raised. Jack was ready to fire back.

"I don't know, Kate, is it? I don't know what relationships mean to you, least of all whatever this endless thing has been between you me and him."

"I don't understand, Jack, where is this coming from? Why don't you trust me?"

Jack shrank back. They were approaching a territory of their past they had always feared to approach, but it was now or never and it needed to come out. Jack took a moment to get his words exactly right.

"How do you think it felt that day to see you again, Kate? To see that you were safe, to see you reach out to me as much as I reached out to you even though there was a wall of glass between us…and only to hear you say you needed me to save that…that bastard so that they wouldn't hurt Sawyer. And I did. I did it for you. And then I saw you two on that video monitor, in the cages."

Kate felt tears of crushing guilt searing the sides of her face. She suddenly remembered what Juliet had said to her, about how she had broken his heart. It was only now that she realized it had never fully healed. But she didn't speak as Jack continued on.

"Do you have any idea what you put me through? All I cared about was you and doing whatever I had to do to make you happy, even if it meant stepping aside and letting you be with him. So I just sat back and watched it, and it killed me every single time but I didn't say a word. Because I knew in the end it would be you and me. But every time I try to be happy about where we are now, I can't get that image out of my head: of you and him curled up in that cage. So you tell me, Kate. Should I trust you this time?"

Kate slowly walked up to him, tears still flowing. She placed her hands to his face as she had during their first kiss and gazed into his eyes, trying to contact something within him that words could not access.

"I am so sorry for what I did to you. But I promise you, I am with you now because I don't want to be anywhere else. I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you. That's what this ring means. If you had jumped out of that plane, I would have jumped right after you. You have to know that that's the truth."

Jack nodded solemnly. He knew it was the truth, he did, but it didn't stop whatever was growing inside him from betraying this knowledge, and as much as he tried to shut Hurley's voice out of his head, he couldn't. The seed of doubt had been planted and there was no going back.

* * *

A/N: Sorry to leave you on that note but I had to get here some time. I'll forewarn you now, the next chapter is not going to pleasant (at least plot-wise, I haven't written it yet so that factor is still up in the air haha). At any rate, thanks again so much to the encouraging reviews and feedback, I am definitely glad to hear anything you have to say!

PS. Sorry this update was sort of delayed - busy busy.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Jack and Kate struggle through their break-up as they strive to reconcile their lingering feelings with what's best for them as individuals. My goal with this story was always to have it make sense within the canon, and this is the first chapter where I really present that, as a large piece of it examines their encounter in the episode '316'.

* * *

"You're not even related to him!"

The words echoed over and over in his head as he drove to nowhere, just away from there. What had he done? He wanted it to be as simple as it had in the beginning, when he could merely walk back up to the door and wipe the slate clean. But that was when she still believed in him, and if she hadn't already stopped, tonight certainly closed the door.

There was no recovering from this. They had hurt each other on the island, but this was something more. This wasn't just a fracture, it was a clean break. Two halves coming irreparably apart. He drove to the abandoned parking lot at the end of the runway and sat there alone, weeping and going over every moment, as if in mourning, regretting and rethinking every decision of their relationship. If this or that had happened differently, would they still be happy? Would they be already married? But as the wee hours wore on, Jack became increasingly pessimistic until he finally convinced himself that no matter what, it would have ended this way. It was simply his nature to sabotage the things that made him happy. He could not thrive with a balanced life.

As dawn began breaking, Kate sat in the corner of Aaron's bedroom having not slept at all. Luckily he was too young to understand what Jack had said, but her tears had frightened him and it took at least an hour to calm herself down enough to steady the little boy into sleep.

Kate had spent the last several hours mulling over the night's events. She had gone out in the late afternoon to finally send Clementine the check. It frustrated her now that something so trivial to her, something that was meant to have been done ages ago, was now responsible for the total collapse of what she had come to call her day-to-day life.

Normally she would have let her anger take over and blame the entire fiasco on Jack, but she knew that was pointless. This was as much the fault of her insecurity as it was his. She tried to beg him to understand, but there was no way he could. It was a secret he had been fearing since the moment they got off the island. She would never earn his trust again.

It was around 7 o'clock in the morning. The sun was new over the horizon and Kate had given up all hope of sleeping for at least the next several days. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. She felt the air leave her lungs, praying it was Jack come to take her in his arms, tell her to forget it ever happened, and move on toward repair. She bounded down the stairs, half out of hope, half out of fear.

Kate opened the door to find Jack standing before her, his eyes red from crying and lack of sleep. He was still wearing his clothes from the night before.

"I just came by to get my things." he said, his voice emotionless.

"Please, come in Jack." Kate said, opening the door to let him in on the hope they would have a chance to talk and she could persuade him to stay. He marched almost zombie-like toward the stairs. Kate watched him dejectedly; he was a shell of himself. After a moment she followed him and found him in the bedroom collecting clothes from the closet and stuffing them into a duffle bag he had kept there.

"Jack we can still talk about this."

"No, Kate. It's over."

"We had a fight, Jack. We said some things we didn't mean."

"_I_ said some things, you mean. You didn't say a word. I begged you to and you wouldn't say a single word. You know you can tell me anything but for some reason you never do. I'm always in the dark with you. I have never been sure of anything." Jack's voice was surging with pain and anger. Kate felt herself begin to cry.

"Jack please don't do this, I can explain…"

"Can you? Jesus, Kate I've given you every opportunity to 'explain' and you _never_. _do_."

Kate did not respond to this. He was right. She watched as he trudged out of the room, duffle bag in hand, making his way downstairs and out onto the front steps, prepared to leave. Kate stood in the doorway. They faced each other.

"Is this the part where I tell you to count to five and you kiss me?" Kate asked pathetically, understanding her joke wasn't funny.

"It's too late for that, Kate." Jack said, not wanting to drudge up all their memories. It hurt too much.

"It doesn't have to be."

"But it's always been. Don't you see that? It's always been too late." Jack's voice lowered and calmed. "This wasn't what was supposed to happen." He looked into Kate's eyes with disarming honesty, "We were supposed to fix each other."

Kate returned his meaningful gaze and collected herself. She could feel her heart break. It wasn't until now that she understood just how high Jack's expectations were of their relationship, of her. Suddenly, an old familiar feeling began to swell inside her and she knew at this moment that it was time to run again.

"I'm sorry Jack. I can't take that responsibility anymore." And with that, the white flag was drawn and defeat admitted.

"Tell Aaron…I don't know, whatever you have to tell him." Jack said, knowing that that would be the truth, ultimately.

"I'm sorry, Jack." It was all that was left to say.

"Me too. Goodbye, Kate."

She didn't respond – she couldn't. Goodbye was too final a word, and she knew this wasn't really the end. It didn't feel like it, and she knew what that moment would feel like. She watched as Jack walked to his truck, got inside, and drove off without a glance back.

When she closed the door, she turned only to find Aaron standing before her in his pajamas, just woken up.

"Mommy, where's Uncle Jack?"

And suddenly Kate realized the pain was only just beginning.

* * *

A month passed. Neither of them knew how to handle the break up. Jack would call regularly, usually late at night and often either drunk or desperately depressed. Sometimes both. Kate didn't know why she kept answering, she supposed that a part of her was hoping he would be calling to tell her he wanted to work things out. That he was sorry and he couldn't be without her. But as time wore on, she answered because she hoped he was calling to say goodbye and let her attempt to continue on with her life. Finally, one night around one o'clock, Kate had at last reached the end of her rope with him. She answered, knowing who it was.

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm fine, Jack." her patience with him was already almost out.

"And Aaron? How's he doing? You know I found some toys of his around my apartment, I was thinking I could come by and…"

"Jack. Stop it. We're not doing this anymore. You either want to be a part of our lives or you don't. In case you forgot, YOU are the one who walked out. YOU are the one who didn't think we could work things out, so you don't get to call me up at all hours of the night and ask me how I am. You told me it was too late. That it was always too late. I'm tired of this, Jack. You need to figure things out on your own because I don't know how much more I can take. So before you call back here again, please just ask yourself, for both our sakes, do you want me to want you back?"

Minutes passed in silence. Soon, Kate heard a faint whimper on the other end and realized that Jack was softly crying. She opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn't find the words. Hearing him like this, she had to fight every urge within her to go to him and hold him and tell him he would be all right.

"It's just that…I ruined everything, didn't I?" he sobbed into the phone. Kate felt her eyes brim with tears.

"Jack…" but she knew if she continued speaking, they would only end up in an even worse situation. She had to do what was best for Aaron, and that meant forcing Jack to face his problems on his own. He couldn't be Kate's priority over the child, as much as it broke her heart to have to keep turning him away, but to not do this would only hurt them even more. She had to let him go.

"Jack, I'm hanging up now. Remember what I said. Don't call back here unless you have something new to say."

"Okay. I'm sorry to have bothered you." Jack said almost monotone. It made Kate nervous.

"And good luck."

"Yeah…thanks."

They hung up knowing it would be the last time they'd speak to each other for a very long while. Even though it killed them, they knew it was for the best.

* * *

But then, after months of silence, Kate found her and Jack's lives once again connecting, though perhaps not in the way she would have hoped as it was driven by Jack's new determination to find a way back to the island.

As she drove away from Aaron and his grandmother, perhaps never to see them again, she began questioning whether she had made the right choice. Was returning to the island really going to solve any of their problems? Or was it simply a means for her to run away yet again, this time from herself. She had never felt so unsure in her life. Aaron was gone now, she had lost the key that connected her to this reality, a reality in which she was not a criminal, but a single mother taking the best care of her child that she could, being the best provider she could be. All of that was gone now, too. She needed something to latch on to, something to remind her of who she was really. Something safe. The solution came to her almost immediately, yet from somewhere deep within. She tried to resist it, but it was so desperately what she needed that there was no use in denying it.

And so she made a quick turn and headed back toward his apartment building. Once there, she discovered that he wasn't home, but she remembered that she had never gotten rid of the spare key he had given her, it still rattled alongside the others on her chain. As Kate looked down at it she laughed lightly in spite of herself. Maybe she hadn't let go as much as she thought she had. As she unlocked the door and went inside, she was instantly overcome with nostalgia. The nights she had spent all that time ago with him, just the two of them curled up on the sofa, chatting well into the evening or sometimes not talking at all, just taking the other in. So much of their connection was unspoken.

Kate meandered through the space, going room to room, seeing flashbacks of every moment that had occurred in them. Finally she came to the bedroom, and upon sight of it, she felt herself begin to cry. It was completely inexplicable. Now that Aaron was gone, she was feeling so disconnected to everything, and here she was in a space to which she felt more connected than almost anything. It was the place where he slept, where he once slept beside her. Almost involuntarily, she walked over to her side of the bed and laid down on the covers, pretending it was another time.

After several minutes, she heard him enter but she didn't dare move. As she adjusted herself on the bed, she accidentally knocked something over on the nightstand. She heard Jack stop his movement and slowly, second by second, quietly pad into the room. He was clearly surprised to see her, but by now her mind was almost entirely numb, filled only with a determination to return to the island and see if it couldn't right everything that had gone wrong. She asked him if he was still going, he was. He asked about Aaron, but that was the last thing she wanted to talk about. It was still too fresh a wound.

"If you want me to go with you, you will never ask me that question again. You will never ask me about Aaron, do you understand, Jack?" she didn't have energy to feel guilty about her threatening tone. Every part of her was simply exhausted. Jack could see this, and agreed sincerely to her terms.

But there was something more to it. He said "yes" in such a way that reminded her of the man Jack used to be, ages ago, on the island. This was not the man who wanted to know where she was or what she was doing, this was the man she had first fallen in love with, who didn't care what crime she had committed, who she had harmed. That didn't matter – it wasn't who she was, and he understood it now just as he had in the first days they knew each other. Realizing this, a surge of emotion rose up within Kate, and wordlessly – as words were pointless now – she leaned up and kissed him hungrily. He responded in kind, and she became overwhelmed with a sudden need for him. She needed him to make her feel safe again, to make her feel like she was making the right choice. And as they began removing each other's clothing more aggressively with each item, she realized he felt this need just as much as she did.

Later, they lay wrapped together, holding each other so tightly it was as if they feared the other would be stolen away in the night. Kate's head rested against his chest, she paced her breath in rhythm with his, forcing herself to connect with him on as many levels as she could. She wanted to regain that feeling they once had, that they were two halves of a whole, something worth completion.

"Jack…"

"No. Don't say anything. Just let me pretend this is real." He whispered, keeping her from finishing her sentence. In fairness she didn't know what she was going to say anyway, she just wanted to make sure she wasn't dreaming. But his statement had in a certain sense jarred her awake. What was this supposed to mean? She couldn't say she had seen this night as a complete rejuvenation of their relationship, it was simply something they needed to happen to make themselves feel right again. She hoped Jack understood this, and she was confident he did given his use of the word 'pretend.' It made her sad that this was indeed the truth, but it still didn't change the fact that she never stopped feeling something for Jack. She didn't think feelings like that ever could change, and they certainly hadn't for her. In her mind, she was still very much devoted to him, as she knew he was to her.

All she could do now was rest until morning, when perhaps fate would bring them yet another clean slate on the island that had become more of a home to them than any of them cared to admit.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the delay again. Fun fact, the use of the phrase "she was still very much devoted to him" is actually my own paraphrasing of a quote by Evangeline Lilly about the state of Jack and Kate's relationship in season 6. She says in this interview that "Kate is still very much married to Jack." I always liked how she said that, and I've been waiting for the opportunity to use that sentiment. So...there ya go lol. The next chapter is basically going to be the finale but examined with the plot of this story in mind. Then the epilogue. As Jacob would say "We're very close to the end."

Anyhoo, thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: aka 'The End: Redux'. This is the Jack/Kate moments from the finale, re-examined with the events of this story in mind. In a certain sense, this is sort of a bridge chapter, if not filler. BUT it does sort of bring the whole 'I love you' thing that I've addressed in this story to a semi-pleasing conclusion.

* * *

Kate couldn't believe what she was hearing or seeing. Jack and the man called Jacob stood before her, finalizing the terms by which Jack would take over as protector of the island. It was a job he would observe for as long as he possibly could, which meant eternity to her. It was surreal. A part of her was angry at Jack, and it was the same anger she had felt time and again since they had been back here. The anger that swelled in her when he said things like "You didn't like the old me" or that enough of their relationship had been plagued by misery that he would rather wipe it from his memory entirely. Jack believed this place was the only thing he had left, that it somehow cared for him and could help him understand who he was. It seemed to mean more to him now than she ever could. And now he had signed the rest of his life over in service of it.

But the greater anger that began to surface was with herself. Would this have happened if she had been honest with him from the start? Would they even have come back here? It made her feel so stupid now, and so much of her fear so insignificant. She had neglected to tell him she loved him because of her fear of losing him, which inevitably pulled him away until he actually did leave her. It seemed ridiculous to think of now. If she had just said it from the beginning, from the moment she felt it, if she had just allowed herself to put her heart on the line, they might be back in LA now married with children of their own.

Anger turned into guilt, and she pondered this alone through the remaining hours until daylight, watching from afar as Jack stood stoic, wading in the stream waters. Was it too late? Couldn't she still at least try to reach him? Jacob had said they were approaching some sort of end, and even without that declaration they could all feel something climactic and definitive on the horizon. Through this sense of looming finality, she realized deep down that her time was more limited than ever. If she waited any longer it would be too late. The obstacle was that he already believed it was.

The next morning she approached the stream where he still remained in the hopes of convincing him not to go through with this "job." But as she watched from the shelter of the high grass, she could see that he had already made his peace with it. He had made up his mind that this was his destiny, his purpose. And if she knew one thing about Jack, it was that once his mind was made up, it could not be changed. She thought for a brief second that she should go through with her plan anyway, but she did not want to disturb him only to face defeat. And so she sauntered away feeling more hopeless than before.

* * *

Later, as they marched on toward the mysterious "heart of the island," Kate decided she couldn't throw in the towel just yet. She couldn't afford to spend one second asking herself 'what would have happened if…' There wasn't time for that. Jack marched on determinedly ahead of her and Hurley, but she was able to catch him up and ask him exactly what she wanted to know.

"Why'd you take the job, Jack?"

"Because I was supposed to." Kate felt her heart sink, but this was quickly replaced by her frustration that that seemed to be his answer for everything these days.

"Why because our names were written on a wall?"

"I took it because it's the only thing I've got left. It's the only thing I haven't managed to ruin." She didn't know why she had expected him to say any different. This had been his position since they had returned to the island in the first place. But perhaps now, if she forced herself to move past this defeat and try to tell him once and for all that it wasn't too late, then maybe he would see.

"You haven't ruined anything." She stepped ahead and turned to him, forcing him to stop in his tracks and look directly into her eyes. "Nothing is irreversible." She hoped he would understand what this meant: that even though this felt like the end, like there was no going back, he still had a choice. He could still have the life they had put on hold. It was still possible. Anything was.

Jack looked at her intently, processing what she had said. At that moment, though, Hurley interjected: "This would be so sweet if we weren't all about to die."

Kate stood, undeterred by Hurley's pessimism. But Jack simply gave her a half-smile, one that seemed more uncomfortably courteous than anything, before walking on. She followed, becoming increasingly bereft. Perhaps it really was time to give up. He clearly already had.

* * *

The harsh rain pelted Kate as it poured down on her, Hurley, Sawyer, and Ben who were making their way to the location of Locke's boat. As they got closer, Kate could vaguely make out two shapes on the rocks, but it was unclear what was going on. However it didn't take long for her to figure it out as she saw them running toward each other only to seemingly collide. She quickened her pace, knowing that Jack was one of these figures and that Locke was the other.

Suddenly she heard a scream that she knew belonged to Jack, echoing across the barren rockface and seeming to penetrate the very core of her. She armed herself and immediately began running toward them.

When she arrived, she was horrified at the scene before her: Locke had Jack pinned to the ground, a knife slowly digging into his throat as he struggled to fight back. But she could see that Locke was only seconds from completely overpowering him. There was no second-guessing what she needed to do.

The shot rang out, and Kate stood triumphantly, her weapon still brandished.

"I saved you a bullet." She said, happy to send this creature back to wherever it had come from. Jack slowly got to his feet, quietly grateful for what she had done. But before they could relish in their victory, Jack had to make sure the job was complete, and with one forceful kick, sent Locke over the edge of the cliff to his death.

It was over at last. Suddenly, the sun began clearing and Kate ran to Jack, helping him back up on the rocks. It frightened her how weak he seemed, especially when he nearly collapsed onto the ground. She caught him, and knelt with him in her arms, propping him up so they could speak. Kate couldn't hide the panic in her voice, Jack's breath was shallow and sporadic, and she could feel her stomach bottom out as he lifted his shirt to reveal a deep wound in his abdomen. A wound she knew was too deep.

"Jack…" she sighed, distressed.

"I'll be fine." He said off-handedly, almost with a smile. "Just give me some thread and I can count to five."

Kate tried to laugh with him, but her heart simply wasn't in it. She knew for a fact that this time, counting to five really wouldn't be enough.

* * *

As Kate struggled to understand why the island was still collapsing, Jack explained that it was because "whatever Desmond turned off, I need to turn it back on again."

She dreaded what was coming next.

"But if it doesn't work, if I don't make it happen, you all need to leave now. You need to be on that plane."

Kate refused to hear this. She couldn't give up. Not yet. Abandoning her inhibitions, she stood and moved toward him.

"You can come with us too, Jack. You don't have to do this." She wasn't even trying to hide her desperation at this point.

"No, I do have to."

She crouched to the ground in a rush, forcing their faces to be inches apart, so that he could look her directly in the eye as she begged him one last time to choose hope over whatever it was he thought this island offered.

"No you don't! Let the island sink, Jack." But he merely shook his head.

"Kate…I can't." his voice was serious and honest.

She had to face facts. There was no going back. It was, no matter how much she had tried to deny it, quite simply too late. She stared at him, completely bereft, exhausted, contemplating the sudden and painful awareness that this was the last time she would ever see his face. In these few seconds, she tried to memorize every feature, but the emotions were too great. She stood and stepped away from him.

Kate watched on in despair as Jack said goodbye to Sawyer. Ben and Hurley would go with him, but she knew he wouldn't give her that choice. As he finally came to her, she desperately clung to any last thread of promise she could find.

"Tell me I'm gonna see you again." She said, knowing of course the answer would be no. He sighed and shook his head, not knowing what to say. And in this brief second, she finally realized what this moment was. This was the moment she had lain awake countless nights imagining, fearing. This was the reason she had always kept her love for him at arm's length. But now she understood that no matter what, had she said it a thousand times or none, nothing would make this moment anything less than unbearable. And as she took in the state of the situation, she knew there was only one thing left for her to do.

And so without any hesitation, Kate collided her lips against his. They put everything they had into this one kiss, knowing it was the last of what would always be too few. It was as if they were trying to transfer every emotion they had ever felt for each other into the other's being. As tears streamed down their faces, Jack held her to him as tightly as he could despite the pain from his wound. She didn't want to part from him, but she had to. The words were about to burst out of her.

"I love you," she gasped, feeling the weight of its truth register at last. Jack's breath caught and she could see his eyes rush with fresh tears, this time of joy and something near relief. He then flashed her a smile she had never seen before. And she realized it was because hearing her finally say these words filled him with not only happiness, but a long-awaited peace.

"I love you." He replied, simply repeating what he had always known to be true and what he had told her so many times before. Without another word – because what else was left to say? – Jack began making his way back toward the jungle, ready to face the final leg of his journey. Kate watched on, sobbing quietly, but had to look away. The sight of him walking off into the distance was too much. It was like literally watching him walk out of her life. She knew he was marching toward his death, and before she allowed her mind to begin searching through their past to find every little regret, she was content in the fact that at least he would die knowing once and for all - no matter what had come between them - she loved him. Past, present, and future.

* * *

A/N: I know I said last time that there were two chapters left, meaning one more after this, but I've actually written a new epilogue. So NOW it's actually 2 chapters left. Sorry to be so skitzo about that.

reviews are always appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Life after Jack.

* * *

Three years had passed since she had said goodbye to the island and Jack. Nothing felt real here anymore. It was as if a world without him in it couldn't possibly exist. He had always been her anchor, her 'constant' as Desmond would say. She had no reference to reality anymore because she couldn't believe that he was gone. It was surreal at first, and agonizing. Beyond the loss of Jack, she had to repeatedly explain to Aaron that he wasn't her son and she wasn't his mother. The look on Claire's face when Aaron ran to Kate's arms before hers upon their return would forever be burned into her memory. But transitions were being made, and Kate was doing all she could to stay a part of his life, even if from a greater distance.

To help with the immediate rush of loneliness and disillusion, she and Sawyer decided to be the company to the other's misery. But it was short-lived. They cared deeply about each other, but there was too much history between and behind them. They finally withdrew the white flag when one night in bed, as they attempted to pick up the pieces in the only way they knew how, Kate, with her eyes closed, breathed Jack's name. Sawyer didn't get angry, how could he? It wouldn't be fair, not when he saw Juliet every time he looked at her. But they knew then that they couldn't carry on like this.

* * *

It had been almost a year since they had last seen each other. In the meantime, they had both gone on much-needed soul searches. Sawyer sought out Juliet's friends and family as well as Cassidy and Clementine, Kate reconnected with friends from her childhood, revisiting the places she had been with Tom, one by one healing old wounds. But she was slowly beginning to accept that some wounds could never be healed.

She and Sawyer had made plans to meet up at a bar in New Mexico, where they had discovered their paths would cross some weeks before. She was looking forward to it, eager to see a familiar face. He felt the same.

When she walked in, he was already sitting at the bar. He saw her approach and stood up to greet her. They shared a friendly embrace before taking seats at a nearby table. Kate ordered herself a beer.

"So how ya been, freckles?"

She smiled at the nickname.

"Not bad…not great, either. It's strange, going back through your life place by place. You pick up on things you couldn't see the first time. Things you wish you'd done differently."

"I know what you mean. I've been on a bit of a mission myself, trying to find the people I've conned, make amends."

"Is that so? How's that going for you?" she said teasingly.

"Mmm, another twenty years and I'll be almost through."

They laughed and sipped their drinks. As she lifted the cold glass, Sawyer noticed the impressive diamond ring on her left hand. He nearly spit.

"Damn freckles! You didn't tell me you was getting hitched! Who's the lucky stud?"

Kate fell silent. She didn't know how to explain it without sounding or feeling like a lunatic. But then she remembered, this was Sawyer, if anyone was going to understand it would be him.

"Actually it's from Jack."

"Hold on…"

"Before we came back, in the three years we were off the island and you were living with Juliet, Jack and I were engaged. But it didn't work out. I couldn't tell him about what you asked me to do, I couldn't betray your trust. He thought there was still something between you and me and I got scared…"

She trailed off, on the verge of tears, the pain refreshed and the regret hitting her hard. She collected herself and continued.

"I took the ring off and I thought I'd lost it. But a few months ago I finally found it in a drawer with all the pictures I'd had of us as a family. When we got back, I…I couldn't look at them."

"So why put the ring back on?"

Kate looked to Sawyer with desperation in her eyes.

"Because after all this time, after learning everything I've learned about myself these past few years…I don't want to move on, James. I don't want to find someone else. He was the love of my life and I let him die without ever knowing that."

"Kate…"

"It's true. If he had known, if he had really known, he would have come with us. He would have believed in the two of us more than the island. That's how it should have been, but I was always too scared to make him sure."

Kate was crying now. Over the course of these three years, she had managed to fill her head with an overpowering sense of regret. Not just for the people she wronged prior to the island, but most importantly for what she had (or more to the point, hadn't) said to Jack during all their time together. She couldn't help but wonder that if she had been honest about her feelings for Jack and her duty to Sawyer and Clementine, maybe he wouldn't be gone. Or at the very least, they could have spent those last months together and happy, even if it would inevitably end the same way. She couldn't think of a single "what if" scenario that would have entailed anywhere near the pain they actually went through. It was all for nothing.

"Kate…there's something I never told you." Sawyer said. She looked up at him. His eyes were sincere.

"The day that Jack dropped the bomb, he and I had a conversation just the two of us. I needed to know why he wanted to do what he was gonna do. First he said it was because of destiny, that fate had pre-ordained it to be so. I told him he was full of it." Kate smiled, "So I asked him the real reason because I knew as well as anyone that no one makes a decision like that unless it's personal. And you know what he said?"

Kate shook her head, waiting.

"He said, 'I had her and I lost her.' So I asked him why that meant he had to completely rewrite history, how was that gonna help anything? You would be strangers. And he just said 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.'"

Kate couldn't compute.

"Don't you see, Kate? Everything that man did on that island, no matter how much it was for the 'greater good' or 'destiny' or any of that crap, when it came down to it, it was for you. It was always for you. You think he would have done that if he believed you'd never loved him? You want to know if he was sure? He thought blowing up a damn nuclear bomb still wouldn't be enough to stop you two from finding each other and starting over. He knew you loved him, Kate. I know he did."

Kate stared intently at the table, lost in her own thoughts.

"Jack dropped that bomb because he thought it was too late. And by the time I finally told him it wasn't…it really was." Kate's voice was hollow. She had spent too much time convincing herself of this conclusion that nothing Sawyer said could change her mind.

"So what do you want to do about it, Kate?" Sawyer retorted, almost frustrated. It bothered him that she seemed so content to spend the rest of her life beating herself up over something so far beyond her control. It wasn't her fault Jack was dead. She looked up at him, as if this was the question she had been waiting for.

"I want to have a funeral. Even if I don't want to move on, I have to say goodbye."

"But Kate, his mom had a memorial with a tombstone and everything almost right after we got back. Sure, none of us went, but - what difference is having a funeral going to make…?"

"I have to decide once and for all that he's dead." Kate said, cutting Sawyer off. He looked at her, confused, disturbed.

"I ain't followin, freckles."

"For the last three years I've been trying to convince myself that he's really gone, but there's a part of me that wonders if he survived whatever it was he had to do. That thinks maybe he's still on that island somewhere, or if he's out in the world trying to find his way back."

Sawyer stared at her, feeling her heartbreak but totally unable to help. It was too deep. The only thing he knew was that he couldn't say no.

"All right. We'll have a funeral."

Sawyer took her hand in understanding. She smiled gratefully at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Thank you."

* * *

One month later, when they were all back in Los Angeles, Kate, Sawyer, Claire, and Aaron gathered to say a final goodbye to Jack. The group stood around Jack's burial place beside his father. They knew that beneath them lay an empty coffin.

It was a chilly afternoon in late September, a few days after the anniversary of the first plane crash. Aaron was a young boy now. Claire stood behind him, her hands on his shoulders. Sawyer stood farther off, thinking to himself. Kate changed the flowers beside the tombstone. She stepped back and took in the words before her. Just his name and dates. No "loving husband and father" or anything like that. He never had the chance to live that life. The life he should have had with her.

"Should we all say something?" Claire asked. Kate nodded absent-mindedly. Her thoughts were miles away.

Claire stepped forward as if to speak directly to the tombstone.

"Hi Jack." She let out a single light chuckle in spite of herself. "I suppose I didn't really get to see you that much after you came back or…or before you died. But I remember one of the last times we spoke to each other. When I finally had the chance to call you my brother. That was one of the proudest moments of my life. We spent all that time in the same place together but I never realized that we'd never have the chance to properly get to know each other. There's so much of my life that I wanted to share with you, the way a sister should. But I promise we'll catch up some day. You have my word."

Claire stepped back toward Aaron. She hugged him close and Kate heard him say "I love you, mom" into her shoulder. She knew it shouldn't have, but it crushed her. Claire and Kate looked to Sawyer.

"My turn?" he asked, approaching the stone, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Emotions never were his strong suit.

"Well, Doc, I guess I'm supposed to pretend it's just you and me here, mono a mono…"

"James." Kate said sternly. He bowed his head, taking the reprimand.

"Sorry."

Sawyer approached Jack's grave and knelt slightly. He didn't speak for several minutes, staring at the ground beneath him. When he looked up, his eyes were glistening ever so slightly.

"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry for blaming you for what happened to Juliet. I know it wasn't your fault…truth is…you were one of the best friends I ever had. And I'll be damned if I don't miss you every once in a while." He stood and moved away, separating himself from the group so they wouldn't see him getting emotional.

"Can I say something?" came the unexpected request of Aaron. He looked to Kate and Claire for permission. Once they got over their surprise, both nodded. Aaron stepped away from Claire's embrace and knelt just as Sawyer had, in front of the headstone.

"I wish you hadn't gone away. You didn't even say goodbye. Aunt Kate got so sad when you left. I got sad, too. Even though you were my Uncle Jack, I always thought you were like my dad…Everything is so different now and I'm afraid I'll forget you…I wish you were still here."

He didn't say any more. Kate was quietly sobbing. Aaron had spoken her greatest fear as well as his own: that she would begin to forget Jack.

"Kate? Do you want to say anything?" Claire asked.

She had no idea how to answer that question. She could think of endless things to say, but none of them were coming to fruition on her tongue. After several moments of thought, she shook her head. Claire was troubled.

"If it's all right with you I think I'm just going to stay here for a while. I'm sorry, I just…I need to do this by myself." Kate explained.

Claire understood. She smiled reassuringly at Kate and nodded, taking Aaron's small hand and guiding him away. He looked back at Kate briefly, understanding her pain possibly better than anyone. He knew what Jack leaving had done to her, but he was too young to process this kind of grief.

Sawyer saw Claire and Aaron leaving and assumed this meant he ought to as well. He approached Kate and placed a friendly hand on her back.

"You gonna be all right, freckles?" he asked.

"Yeah. I think I…"

"Just need to be alone." Sawyer finished for her. She looked up at him, grateful for his compassion. He squeezed her shoulder in comfort and walked on. She watched him for a few minutes before turning back to Jack's empty resting place. She sighed, truly feeling that it was just her and Jack now. Her mind traveled back to all those nights on the beach, the two of them sitting by their own private fire, alone, silently enjoying the other's company.

"I'm sure you would have hated this. You never liked funerals. And you never believed in this sort of thing, did you?" she chuckled. "But you changed, I know. You started to have faith in things, just the wrong things. You thought the Island could save you, Jack when it actually killed you. And I know you had no trouble accepting that fate but…damnit I can't."

She could feel her temper rising as angry tears started streaming down her cheeks.

"Why, Jack? Why did you just give up on us? Why was that the one thing you didn't think you could fix? I know it wasn't all your fault. I was so angry at you for Aaron. And then you wanted me to go back to that place, and that just made me angrier because you still couldn't see that the island was what kept you from the things you wanted in the first place…We always had to complicate everything didn't we? And after all of that, what we went through, all we had to do was remind ourselves that we loved each other. That was it. I'm so sorry it took me so long. If I had known this is where I would be right now, I would have told you every day…But by the time I figured it out you were going off to die, to save something that I still don't think needed saving. And now I'm here, Jack, and you're not." she trailed off, a new swell of tears emerging. She spoke barely above a whisper, "For the first time I actually want you to save me and you're not here."

Kate looked down at the ring on her finger.

"I would have spent the rest of my life with you, Jack. I've never meant anything as much as what I said that night. I doubt I'll ever mean anything that much again." Finally she allowed herself to break down. "I miss you so much…I'm so scared, Jack. I'm so scared of letting you go. I don't know what to do."

Suddenly, the solution came to her. The solution to this seemingly permanent emptiness that Jack's absence had created. It was something so simple that she had to laugh at the fact it had never occurred to her before this very moment. She smiled as a few stray tears rolled down her cheeks and breathed in as if about to dive into water.

"One…two…three…four…five." she said, closing her eyes and hearing him recite the numbers along with her. When she finished, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off of her. She was ready for whatever this new future held, even if that didn't include him.

Kate stood alone in the cemetery as a cool breeze blew past her face, the sun beginning to set in the distance. She looked down at Jack's grave and smiled, content in the knowledge that she would continue to wait for him for the rest of her life. No longer out of any desperate hope or unfillable void, but because she knew deep within her that somewhere, in this life or the next, he was waiting for her.


	8. Epilogue

A/N: I meant to post this yesterday with the last chapter, but...I didn't. So without further ado, here is the (hopefully emotional) conclusion to 'Count to Five'.

* * *

It was almost 40 years to the day since they had gotten off the island. James had been dead for two years – heart problems. Richard was long gone, but peacefully in his sleep. Miles was in a home somewhere in Northern California. And Claire, feeble though she was, found herself acting as caregiver to a deteriorating Kate. Aaron was a doctor, fulfilling the unspoken wishes of both women, and was always nearby to help.

They had all been told a month prior that Kate was in the last weeks of her life, and the only thing left was to make her comfortable. There was no disease, no illness that was actively killing her. She was simply fading out. Claire and Aaron were grateful for this, as it meant minimal pain for her, thus minimal pain for them all things considered.

She found herself constantly thinking back to her days on the island, and, as she did every day, to her time spent with Jack. But now more than ever, she felt a need to relive every moment in her head, go over every word that still rang in her memory. She would get lost in it to the point where Claire and Aaron would have to jar her alert to make sure she was still all right. It was during one of these moments that she finally felt it: the end.

She was thinking back to the night Jack proposed, how she had said yes and meant it with all her heart. That night had been filled with such promise; she had fallen asleep to fantasies of their life together, of growing old together. As she enveloped herself in this dreamlike state, this sense of finality quietly emerged, like a warm presence standing in the corner, not wanting to disturb, merely to make itself known.

She opened her eyes, only now becoming aware of Aaron sitting beside her as she lay in bed. He smiled at her comfortingly and took her hand.

"Do you remember him at all?" she asked, barely in a whisper. It was all she could muster now.

For a split second, Aaron was about to ask who she meant, but he knew. She had told him every story she could remember about him from the time he was old enough to understand them. Aaron didn't speak for a long moment as he thought back on his time shared with Kate, how important she really was to him, somehow understanding that this would be the last thing he ever said to her.

"Of course I do."

Kate smiled and seemed to drift once again inside herself. Aaron thought for a moment she might be gone, but all of a sudden, with a great intake of air, she opened her eyes wide, staring ahead of her, but he could see immediately that this was not lucidity. It was as if she were dreaming, her motions almost that of a sleepwalker. Her eyes flooded with tears, fixated on something standing right in front of her that he could not see. He knew whatever it was, it was beautiful. She held her hands up as if to touch it.

"I've missed you so much," she said with a soft smile, her eyes seeming to stare into someone else's. And as they began to gently close for what he knew was the final time, he quietly realized what had just happened. He imagined what she had seen: Jack standing before her just as perfect as she remembered him. Aaron smiled at this thought, content that after all this time, after all the years she had spent struggling without him, they had finally found each other. And he knew that wherever they were, they had endless lifetimes ahead of them. Endless chances to live out the happiness they had so long been denied. It would never be too late again.

* * *

A/N: I would like to thank all of my dedicated readers, you kept the inspiration alive and helped me complete my first multi-chapter fanfiction in many years. You've reassured me that I've still got it :) I'm sure I've got at least one more Lost story up my sleeve, so if you're willing to read it, I'm more than willing to write it. Thanks again for the feedback and support!


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